This key is bad.

"Spanfeller is a twat" (theaspiringengineer) 06/04/2018 at 15:04 • Filed to: None

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It seems as if car keys follow the inverse of Moore’s Law: for every passing day a bigger fob handles less features.

This thing is several mm thicker and some grams heavier than most modern smartphones.

Also, all the buttons are squished to the edge of one of the sides, which makes it a bit of a pain to sort out when you’re trying to open you car without looking at it, I know there’s an engorged end where the lock key is, but it’s hard to notice unless you’re looking at it, and you end up fishing for the buttons unnecessarily. Volvo did something similar with their key which is still bulky enough to be annoying to have in the pocket: where it’s going to spend most of it’s life anyway.

I also only use the key to open the car because the keyless entry system is kind of dumb; the same button on the front doors locks and unlocks the car. Other systems like the one in my seven year old jeep handle it with much more grace with a sensor behind the handle.

But why do we even have keys anymore? I mean... my car only has one spot for a physical key and it is the emergency door release in case the battery goes flat. That emergency release could be handled by a small physical key inside a credit card shaped fob I could keep in my wallet and just use the dumb keyless entry system, like Mazda figured out years ago. Sure, that fob had it’s own issues, but years of technological advancements could probably address the majority of those.

It doesn’t even do complex features, it’s only a small transponder, if it were like BMW’s displaykey fob that has a screen on it, well it’d be another story, one that is equally unnecessary.

Yours for 300 euros.

About that story, anyone whose seen !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! video would’ve noticed that the functions of the bulky,BMW key can be handled by the user’s smartphone in the Tesla. Which renders the huge, expensive BMW fob a bit pointless, and alike the Kia’s fob, all the buttons are squished to the top and the sides, making access a bit more uncomfortable. Plus, if the key is meant to stay in your pocket, how are you going to charge that huge, battery depleting screen? You’d have to take the key out of your pocket and put it in a tab in the car, which sort of goes against the normal thinking with fobs nowadays that they must stay in the pockets of the users.

Just look at how much space the BMW, Kia, and Volvo keys waste for aesthetic purposes too. It’s bewildering! In my honest opinion we should either go Tesla’s way and make your smartphone the key, or revert to the simple Mazda design that was more convenient for most folk.

OR: if aesthetics is what matters, why not switch to keys that have a small transistor within them for the Keyless entry system while also maintaining a slim, almost beautiful profile and the emergency physical key?

Sweet Trav > Spanfeller is a twat 06/04/2018 at 15:10

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These are perfect in their simplicity and size.

winterlegacy, here 'till the end > Spanfeller is a twat 06/04/2018 at 15:10

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Here’s my idea for a key:

You have your standard key, but it has kind of a thicker shape, like a key that’s used for something like the Mercury Mariner.

What you then do is make some clever functionality happen:
- Click the logo once to unlock the driver’s door. Click one more time to unlock all doors.
- Press and hold the logo to lock. Continue to hold for a second or two to prime the alarm. If you end up releasing it before priming the alarm, just press and hold again to prime the alarm.
- For the panic function that nobody ever really uses, just keep holding until it screams at you.

For keyless start buttons and other keyless functionality, stick the transponder in there somewhere.

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > Sweet Trav 06/04/2018 at 15:12

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Their problem is that there are two of them.

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > Spanfeller is a twat 06/04/2018 at 15:13

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I’m with you. My fob is huge and having dismantled it to install a battery, it could be very tiny if they wanted it to be. I don’t understand why they make them so big.

Spanfeller is a twat > Sweet Trav 06/04/2018 at 15:13

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make the handles a pinch thicker, and you could stick some leccy goodness to it!

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > Spanfeller is a twat 06/04/2018 at 15:13

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I like my key (wow what a shock). It’s a physical key with the fob up top. Of course it has only three buttons - lock, unlock, and panic.

Spanfeller is a twat > winterlegacy, here 'till the end 06/04/2018 at 15:14

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Doesn’t even need to be that thick anymore, but a single button in the handle could probably do all the features we need.

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > Spanfeller is a twat 06/04/2018 at 15:15

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Perhaps everything that you say is true, but at least they are expensive.

Spanfeller is a twat > Eric @ opposite-lock.com 06/04/2018 at 15:15

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or, as tesla owners seem to never shut up about, it could be “In my Iphone, bro”

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > Spanfeller is a twat 06/04/2018 at 15:16

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And it really could be. I carry that everywhere and would rather just use it.

It isn’t like it doesn’t already do NFC.

Textured Soy Protein > Spanfeller is a twat 06/04/2018 at 15:16

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Spanfeller is a twat > Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo 06/04/2018 at 15:18

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I mean, I don’t think it’s very convenient for a marque to make such expensive keys... I mean... if I’m cynical it might make sense, but in such a competitive (and forum filled) world, cynicism is being taken away from the big guys unless they can agree to avoid progression..


Oh they have before?


Nevermind.

winterlegacy, here 'till the end > Spanfeller is a twat 06/04/2018 at 15:18

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While slightly less intuitive for the end user, at the same time a single button functionality makes things a bit simpler (possibly,) and once it’s committed to memory, it just straight up looks cool.

Spanfeller is a twat > Eric @ opposite-lock.com 06/04/2018 at 15:19

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There is the issue of the battery going flat, which Tesla addresses with an NFC card too!

Spanfeller is a twat > Textured Soy Protein 06/04/2018 at 15:20

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I mean, the smart trunk feature (just stand there, motionless, for a few seconds) renders the third button useless anyway....

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > Spanfeller is a twat 06/04/2018 at 15:21

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If my battery is flat, something serious has gone wrong.

Spanfeller is a twat > winterlegacy, here 'till the end 06/04/2018 at 15:21

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I’m sure there’s a way to integrate a single button into a subaru-like key that is slim, elegant, and could go into a keyring like the rest of my keys without being bulky.

Chariotoflove > Spanfeller is a twat 06/04/2018 at 15:22

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That emergency release could be handled by a small physical key inside a credit card shaped fob I could keep in my wallet and just use the dumb keyless entry system...

This is how my K900 works. I have a fob for backup, but I just keep the card-key in my wallet. It’s like I don’t even have a key, and I never think about it.

That Stinger key was designed that way specifically to be “cool” with the button like that. Of course, people disagree on what constitutes “cool”.

Spanfeller is a twat > Eric @ opposite-lock.com 06/04/2018 at 15:22

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Well, as an Iphone user, I cannot concur.

Then there’s the issue of lending the car, or valets.

Sweet Trav > Eric @ opposite-lock.com 06/04/2018 at 15:24

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On for the ignition and one for the trunk/doors. why would you want one key, that if they are able pick a door lock, know the right combo to your ignition?

Spanfeller is a twat > Chariotoflove 06/04/2018 at 15:24

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Well, it seems like Kia also figured it out a while ago, I wonder why I couldn’t get a thinner key for my car, given that this key isn’t even cool, it has plastic made to look like cheap leather, if anything it’s the contrary to cool, it’s gaudy as hell!

Textured Soy Protein > Spanfeller is a twat 06/04/2018 at 15:25

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BUT IT’S A COOL DETONATOR!

(According to Doug.)

Spanfeller is a twat > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 06/04/2018 at 15:25

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Yeah, it seems like we are only going backwards on key design.

winterlegacy, here 'till the end > Spanfeller is a twat 06/04/2018 at 15:26

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I like my keys a little thicker, but I don’t like them as titanically thick as other keys are these days.

Spanfeller is a twat > Textured Soy Protein 06/04/2018 at 15:26

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Shut up Doug! Go quirk some features somewhere else far away from here!

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > Spanfeller is a twat 06/04/2018 at 15:26

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Car designers add complexity for its own sake.

Spanfeller is a twat > Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo 06/04/2018 at 15:27

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it seems so :/

Chariotoflove > Spanfeller is a twat 06/04/2018 at 15:28

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But you can pretend like you’re arming a bomb.

Spanfeller is a twat > Chariotoflove 06/04/2018 at 15:29

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Hey! If I had such debilitating insecurities, I would’ve bought a raised truck with on-road tires!

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > Spanfeller is a twat 06/04/2018 at 15:31

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The latter is a point. Maybe some kind of fob that stays with the car that you only take out when loaning it, but it requires your phone to activate/release.

SPAMBot - Horse Doctor > Spanfeller is a twat 06/04/2018 at 15:35

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I like the idea of keyless everything, but honestly, I just want a key. Simple, small, and thin. When I drive to a trail to run, I do not want to carry a bulky, expensive, electronic device for 10 miles. I do not want an app because I do not carry my phone with me. I just want something that I will not notice in my key pocket.

If you leave the fob inside the car and pull out the emergency key to carry with you, can anyone then go up to the car and unlock/steal it?

Spanfeller is a twat > SPAMBot - Horse Doctor 06/04/2018 at 15:39

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Most modern cars won’t let you lock them if theres a key inside. But if you somehow could, the transponder is still inside the plastic thingamajig, which means they could.

Ford goes around the transponder issue by offering a code keypad (usually under the door latch or on the B pillar) but since the key remains inside the car, it could be stolen anyway

Spanfeller is a twat > Eric @ opposite-lock.com 06/04/2018 at 15:40

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Perhaps the plastic card that the tesla offers is a good solution, but if I had a tesla 3 I’d carry that card with me everywhere as I do run out of juice often.

CobraJoe > Sweet Trav 06/04/2018 at 15:42

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I always hated that GM keys were one sided only. The old 2 sided Ford keys were a lot easier to get into the ignition. (Or you could cut a spare key for 2 different cars, the tumblers only read one side of the key).

CobraJoe > winterlegacy, here 'till the end 06/04/2018 at 15:45

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Volvo and Volkswagen both had a version of “Stick the fob in the dash” instead of having a fob and a separate key.

Both thicker than a “fat head key” but both far less clunky than a fob and key combination.

Milky > Spanfeller is a twat 06/04/2018 at 15:45

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I really don’t get the one button for lock/unlock complaint.

You walk up, spend .5 seconds touching the handle to unlock it and you’re in. You don’t even have to interact with the key.

SPAMBot - Horse Doctor > Spanfeller is a twat 06/04/2018 at 15:48

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That is a bummer. My VW switchblade is already larger than I want to carry while running. The smartphone app would be even worse. I’ll have to consider this when I look at new DD’s

Spanfeller is a twat > SPAMBot - Horse Doctor 06/04/2018 at 15:51

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I think some cars now come with “activity” bracelets that carry out the functions of keys without being keys, JLR does it!

Spanfeller is a twat > Milky 06/04/2018 at 15:52

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I think its better, but it could prove a bit more complex to program

Spanfeller is a twat > SPAMBot - Horse Doctor 06/04/2018 at 15:59

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I mean, you could get a FoMoCo car with the code pattern system and buy one of those shielded wallets and insert the key in there, then hide it in the glove box, then the problem is solved.

SPAMBot - Horse Doctor > Spanfeller is a twat 06/04/2018 at 16:13

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Yeah, I’m one of they few people that though the activity bracelet was a good idea haha

SPAMBot - Horse Doctor > Spanfeller is a twat 06/04/2018 at 16:14

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I would def buy a mustang, but they do not have the keypad -_-

Spanfeller is a twat > SPAMBot - Horse Doctor 06/04/2018 at 16:23

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JLR engineer googles: “help i made my key so bulky and heavy i need a new key”